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It was a slow Sunday afternoon when familiar music played. Lost, and very much into it I remembered it was our song-- it used to be our song. Used to be.

Starting over from a failed relationship is difficult; different people have different ways to cope, and they range from alcohol, video games, going out, drugs, and sex. The "cure" that people resort to sounds bad, because the problem is even worse. Unless you were in it for the sex or money, you'll always find yourself stumbling desperate for an escape.

"I'm so sad, I have to use both my hands to pull off this look."
From the way she laughs sarcastically at your terrible attempts at humor (but honestly, she probably found my puns hilarious) to the way her eyes just sparkle when she's about to kiss you-- these are things any normal person feels terrible about and probably the memories they cry themselves to sleep with (not that I crie-- yes).

It's a painful time filled with tears and songs from The Script (the only genre they're good for is breaking up, anyway) and the occasional vacant look because of the hollowness that comes with it, but to wit here are the 3 absolute worst things to consider-- because really, just when you thought "fuck me, it can't possibly get worse" it always does get worse. Then you bounce back. But the point is, there will be worse moments.

#1 - "She's fine, I'm not. This is absolute horse shit."


Aye, there is no other pain that strikes more true than this. It's when you're only beginning to move on to find out she's already left her feelings in the dust. It's hilarious, in a "this is the 8th time Breakeven has played on iTunes" way.

The Script literally feeds itself on your tears
                                           
It may be because you're emotionally retarded, that your feelings just.. lag. You were fine when it happened, hell it didn't even bother you in the slightest-- but now that the moment has sunk in, you're only actually just beginning your descent to the anus of emotional Hell.
It's not because you didn't love her or that you didn't care, but it's rather that you didn't really know how to feel about it. You were dead inside because the feelings of loss, pain, and regret only sunk in much more later for you, and now that you have all these feelings you just.. crash.

#2 - "Do I wait for her? Maybe she'll come back!"


The list is arranged in no order, but this probably should have been at the bottom because it is probably the worst thing to feel in a moment like this. And not much need be said for this either. It is the worst, and most easily understood.
The sadness and unsure-ness of the situation is what kills you. You want to feel better,  but you just don't know how. Do you wait? Or do you walk?

But no matter how many awful poems you've written, or the shit songs you've sang for her she's not coming back. 

But at least now you have time for your crippling drug abuse problem!

#3 - "Wow, pretty soon she'll find a guy an-- actually I'm just going to kill myself now instead of later."


Moving on is a thing done by both parties... and, well, moving on is all about turning the next page in your life-- and as human beings are wont to do, both of you will find new people, and this thought will haunt you more than any other.
The moments you've shared, the laughs you've had, the life you used to have with her-- all gone. Worse? Someone else will be filling up the role.

It's a thought enough to crush the most resolute of men.

And that, I believe, is arguably the worst.

Hello, friend. You're probably a person of great taste and culture. In fact, you probably have more culture in your index finger than all the culture possessed by Ancient Rome.

I want your powers.
However, nothing in this world is perfect-- your impeccable class and poise notwithstanding-- and you probably have a few quirky mannerisms that the world may be a little better off without.
Luckily, you have stumbled upon this article! And considering a random college blogger is the best friend to have, I'll make good with that reputation by helping you clean up those disgusting habits that pull you down from reaching Godhood.

All those stars are mad at you. You are too classy.

Take deep breaths, because I am going to take you on a journey of self-discovery. An analogy for this would go something like a teacher and a student....go on a trip... and... things.

#1 When you are masticating, please close your mouth.

 Masticating is a verb. Quite literally, it means to chew-- I just like using long words so I can pretend to look more smarter than everyone else. Heh-heh.

When you're chewing on a dead animal, please have the courtesy of not being a degenerate by keeping your mouth closed. It goes without saying that when you ruin someone's appetite by showing them partially chewed dead animal meat, they are going to hate you for it.


I dare you. Open your mouth one more time, and I will shank you.

#2 If you do not share an opinion, do not spontaneously turn into an asshole.

 The best thing about opinions is that everyone has one. However, as with all things, there are bound to be a few sucky opinions out there in the world-- so heads up!

In the world, you are supposed to share a lot of things. You are supposed to share stuff like Oxygen, but that rule doesn't apply to stuff like opinions. Sooner or later you're going to meet a few people that just straight-up have terrible opinions on stuff like alternative music being bad; spicy food being terrible, reading being a queer man's hobby. 

No matter how uncool their opinions may seem, it is still totally more uncool to flip out over them.

Just relax, take deep breaths, and murder their families one by one in your head.

"Ohh. You think books are lame, huh? That's okay. I'm under the opinion that your face is disgusting."
 
#3 Hold doors for women if you are a man, and say thank you if you are a woman.

 This one is sort of like a free point. Any person that has ever watched even a single teen film will realize that (when you're a guy) when you hold doors for women you are automatically better than every other male in the room by a figure of 50%*
*I am not really a statistician, I just pulled that number out of my ass

It goes the same way for ladies that when a guy actually does this for them that they should say "thank you", because if you don't-- then I hate you.

And that's it! 3 simple things to remember to immediately possess Tact, the most wonderful power of all.

This post is amazingly incoherent because, things.

 
Some people find that changing things about themselves is a cheap way to be accepted. These are what you refer to as "losers", because that's what they are. They are called losers.
Self-improvement is a way to make yourself a better person by taking parts of yourself and making them better.

To make that an easier concept to digest, think of yourself as a computer. Right now, you're a bunk-ass computer; a freaking relic from a time when dial up was considered "the absolute shit" (shit in a good way). What do you do to make computers better? Well, if you aren't a degenerate that uses a Mac, you replace the parts with better ones.

With enough self-improvement, this could be you.

HEY!

What the deuce, man? How could you deny that application I sent? Don't mind the fact that it probably wasn't that good, I'm a nice guy! 

OR AT LEAST I USED TO BE A NICE GUY.

The joke's on you though, because I love writing, damn it. In fact, I love writing so much that I'm starting this blog-- and it's going to be filled with all sorts of funny words AND images. I'm going to write about feelings thoughts politics stuff that I think would be interesting for the anyone, and maybe some personal opinions when I feel like it.